Nowadays, streaming has carved its own market and doesn’t exactly need to compete with theatrical releases to get the attention of the people. That said, back in the day, when it was still building its foundation by bringing in A-listers, their products used to have a certain level of quality that’d make audiences sit up and pay attention. I’m talking about movies like Okja, The Vast of Night, and Greyhound. However, some time during the pandemic, the attitude shifted towards using the popularity of the star cast to draw in people and then feed them slop in the name of “cinema,” thereby giving birth to terms like “slopbuster” or “mockbuster.” In my opinion, stuff like The Gray Man, The Tomorrow War, and Ghosted are the worst offenders. Now, having watched The Pickup, I think we are entering a new era of direct-to-streaming releases that aren’t even trying. Recognizable stars are being hired so that the streaming platform can rake in the views. Meanwhile, said recognizable stars are doing the bare minimum to earn their paycheck and calling it a day. And I’d like to call these kinds of films “clickbaitbusters” (it’s a work in progress).
Tim Story’s The Pickup, written by Matt Mider and Kevin Burrows, tells the story of Russell, an armored truck driver at a company called Guardian. He is married to Natalie, and more than anything else, he is looking forward to clocking off on time and celebrating his marriage anniversary with her. The day doesn’t start on a good note, as he is partnered up with a loudmouth named Travis. Still, Russell chooses to keep his head down, drop off the cash and other valuables where they need to be delivered, and go home. But things go from bad to worse as the truck is attacked on the highway by a bunch of robbers: Zoe, Banner, and Miguel. While it looks like these seasoned thugs will get the better of the drivers, Russell and Travis actually manage to dispatch Banner and Miguel before getting nabbed by Zoe. That’s when the protagonists learn that the robbers never wanted the cash, they wanted the armored truck to rob a casino. However, since Zoe doesn’t have the manpower, she forces Russell and Travis to become a part of her heist or violently enter the afterlife. Of course Russell and Travis agree to help Zoe because they don’t want to die, and, well, yeah, that’s what the movie is about.
Look, I’m not going to beat around the bush here. I’m just going to keep it straight and say that The Pickup barely has a plot. The characters are not fully formed. The backstories, especially Zoe’s, are so half-hearted that they seem like an afterthought. It’s just a bunch of stuff that has been cobbled together to give the appearance of a movie. And I don’t know why. There’s no relevant commentary in it. It doesn’t have any engaging story where I can simply forget about the world around me and immerse myself in this “rollercoaster ride.” So, why does it even exist? Mider and Burrows are the minds behind projects like Gentlemen Lobsters, The Package, and Don’t. What compelled them to write this? Did they have bills to pay? Were they running short on rent money? Hence, they approached the producers with this “genre-defying” script, and they were like, “Yeah, sure, let’s help these kids out.” In the era of ChatGPT, I am wondering if they even wrote any of this or if they just fed their “original” idea into the machine, told it to use The Fast and the Furious, Out of Sight, and Ocean’s Eleven as “inspiration,” and created this “masterpiece.”
While I can dunk on the writers all day, I have to give a round of applause to the team that has done all the exterior shooting of The Pickup. Every single piece of stuntwork looks exquisite. The car crashes and controlled accidents would certainly make Michael Bay proud. It’s just a shame that those moments are interrupted by the blandest work that Eddie Murphy, Pete Davidson, Keke Palmer, Eva Longoria, Ismael Cruz Cordova, and Jack Kesy have done in their entire careers. You don’t have to be a genius to figure out that these actors did 99 percent of their shooting in AC soundstages, surrounded by green screens and their favorite beverages. They weren’t in the sun for even a second, while the second unit did all the heavy lifting. I mean, the difference between the intensity of the stunts and the acting by the cast is so insane that editor Craig Alpert hasn’t even tried to hide the scam that’s unfolding before our eyes. If the actors didn’t bother to bring their A-game, why should the rest of the crew lose sleep over it? At the end of the day, it’s these actors who have to face the music. If they have no problem with (virtual) tomatoes thrown at their faces, why should anyone else care?
The sad part about The Pickup is that it has actual talent associated with it. Tim Story has made movies like Barbershop, Fantastic Four, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (contrary to popular opinion, I like it), and The Blackening. Eddie Murphy is a legend. The same can be said about Eva Longoria. Ismael Cruz Cordova was so good in The Rings of Power. Pete Davidson is one of the most recognizable faces in modern comedy. And Keke Palmer was in Nope! Yet, all that they are being used for is clickbait. The people who have funded this dumpster fire know that people like these actors. So, they are going to hit play on the film. They’ll watch it all the way to the end, in the hope that things are going to pick up. By the time they realize that they have been duped, the streaming platform will be laughing their way to the bank. Is that fair? I don’t think so. Which is why I am here to tell you all to not watch this abomination. There are countless other heist movies to choose from. Take your pick and have a good time. Don’t waste your money, time, and energy on The Pickup. I’d like to request the aforementioned actors to do better, but since they have prioritized money that can be earned with the least amount of effort over creating art that’ll be cherished by their fans, I won’t bother.
