How to Date Billy Walsh is your classic teen rom-com, bringing together the old tropes in a new Gen-Z formula to make it more fun and digestible for today’s kids. The film tells the story of Archibald and Amelia, who’ve been besties since they were wee little babes. Archie and Millie are now teenagers, and it seems Archie has developed some feelings for Millie. An unrequited first love of sorts. In comes a dashing motorbike-riding Billy Walsh, who sweeps everybody and their mother off their feet as he makes an entrance to Millie and Archie’s high school. Immediately, Millie’s in love, and Archie is in hate, seeing as Billy’s come in to ruin his perfect life. Who will Millie end up with, and will Archie be able to tell her the truth? Will there be a happy ending?
Spoiler Alert
What’s Archie’s plan?
It’s the last year of school, and Archie thinks it’s the perfect time to tell Millie that he’s been in love with her his whole life. However, even after setting up the scene perfectly, Archie’s struck with fear, and he fails to tell Millie how he truly feels. In walks Billy Walsh, the perfect guy to take to the school dance and to be Millie’s first kiss. At some point, all Millie can do is be attracted to the guy, but she never even musters up the courage to actually talk to him. So now, Archie can’t tell Millie, and Millie can’t tell Billy. At first, Archie doesn’t hide his disdain for Billy, but after Milie tells her friend that this is her last opportunity to experience things for the first time, he decides to take a different route to “help her.” Millie overhears Archie’s parents talking about a “love doctor” who has helped them rekindle their love. Millie’s mother passed away when she was 12, and so she and her father are alone. I think envy is the burden of friendship because Archie decides he can age himself to 80 through an app (which makes him look like a 90-year-old Matt Smith) and pretend to be the love doctor himself.
Somehow, this plan actually works out. Millie pretends she’s 18 while Archie pretends he’s 80, and they work on answering the question “How to Date Billy Walsh?” Obviously, Millie thinks the love doctor’s words are gospel and does every odd thing he suggests to impress Billy. First, he tells her that she needs to get bold eyebrows, just like the popular girls in school. However, this leads to the whole school laughing at her because she looks like she’s painted two black lines on her forehead. What’s worse is when a friend accidentally bumps into her, drops a bottle of water on her face, and smudges her eyebrows, leading to the hashtag “batfacegirl.” Immediately, Millie asks for a refund, but Billy reminds her that all attention is good attention, so she believes in him yet again. Millie overhears the popular girls talk about how she looks hideous in her massive trousers, so she decides to do a sort of mini-makeover, aka wearing a mini-skirt, to impress all the hormonal boys.
For the most part, it does the trick. She’s got the attention of the school, especially after she ends up getting bumped by a car and falling to the ground on her face. The popular girls decide to talk to her for the first time. It’s meant to be a bullying situation, but Archie cannot stand to see his best friend insulted, so he talks back to Amber, using scientific jargon to make her look stupid. This really impresses Billy, who then proceeds to ask Millie out to dinner. This is the perfect opportunity for Archie to hit the nail on the head. As the love doctor, he tells Millie that she needs to be mean to Billy, and the dinner ends up disastrous. At the end of the night, Billy tells Millie that he doesn’t think she’d be the kind of gal to judge him just by his appearance. In truth, Billy and Millie have one thing in common: both of them lost their mothers early on. Billy has a difficult relationship with his father, who only cares what scholarship he’s receiving and what sport he’s playing. Ultimately, the whole thing is a bad decision, and Millie is left heartbroken.
How Do Millie and Archie End Up Together?
The next day, Millie decides to announce to the whole school all her embarrassing moments in life. It’s touching, but also, since it’s school, the kids tease her, and ultimately, Archie realizes he went too far. Archie realizes true love means giving the other person freedom, so he saves the day but leaves Billy there to get the girl. While Billy and Millie become the couple of the school, rich boy Archie stays away from his best friend because he can’t bear to see her with someone other than himself. Apparently, the things Archie finds adorable about Millie are things that Billy doesn’t seem to care about or like as much. On the day of the dance, Millie is dressed in a gorgeous orange dress, the color of the sun just as it is about to hit the horizon, bright and blinding. She finds a bracelet from her mother, which reminds her that she should always listen to her heart because it rarely gives the wrong answers. Just when Billy comes to pick her up, her knight in shining armor, so to speak, Millie realizes that she’s loved Archie all along.
Now, she jumps out of her 1st-floor room, takes her bike, and rushes to Archie’s house, only to lose half of the dress on the way, thanks to it getting stuck in the bike. Now, in what looks like a swimsuit from the ’60s, Millie shows up to Archie’s room unannounced, telling him to get dressed. They haven’t spoken in weeks, but Millie finally admits that she loves him. Now, Archie gets dressed while William, his butler, fixes Millie’s dress. Everything is great except for the fact that Millie left Billy hanging, so she asks the love doctor for some final advice. This reveals the extra phone in Archie’s room, so Millie goes from Archie to “me, myself, and Millie.” She’s heartbroken yet again and believes she’ll never dated and never been kissed as a teenager.
Archie decides to do a Back to the Future, picks up one of the old-looking cars from his backyard, and rushes to the dance. Unfortunately, he’s caught by the swimming team, who always loved to bully him, but now they want to teach him a lesson, especially because they think it’ll impress Billy. Shockingly, Billy’s actually a good person, so he saves Archie, who now has a bald spot and “Archie’s Bald” written on his forehead. Archie rushes back to school, gets on the stage, and gets cake smashed in his face. Still, just like Millie, he decides to speak from his heart and uses his love for science, the universe, and stars to explain his love for Millie.
During How to Date Billy Walsh‘s ending, Archie confesses in front of the whole school that he’s a binary star with Millie, and for a moment, he almost lost track of his other half. Everyone is touched by his gesture, even though he looks like he was treated like “weird Barbie,” and finally Millie and he kiss. It’s a happy ending for Millie and Archie, but Billy seems to be content as well. I guess, just like in the early rom-coms, the obnoxious male lead ends up winning in the end, only this time he’s not offensive, just kind of annoying.
